I assumed that heartbreaks get easier as each one come, but I was wrong; it seems like they get harder to get over. Well, maybe I should say that they get easier to “mask”, yet harder to “get past”. I am starting to believe that my own personal mind has gotten me into this crazy thing called “heartache & pain”. You want to know the funny part: He and I weren’t in an official relationship!!!! WAIT. Now, I know what you might be thinking….how can you have ALL of these emotions for someone that you weren’t in a committed relationship with? Trust me, I have asked myself the SAME question, but there still is no “right or wrong” answer. The heart can trick itself into believing that something is there, even when the mind says otherwise. Maybe I shouldn’t even write this, but who am I kidding??? My blog life has been transparent from the beginning, so why stop now? RESUME. So, there was no committed relationship, but I felt like we were committed friends. On the outside looking in, most people who didn’t know us thought we were a couple. Everything about us screamed “Confident Couple”; from our positive energy to our heartfelt jokes, we just seemed to “click”. With him, I learned that intimacy was far different from what society had labeled it to be. My heart kept telling me to ask for more moments like such, while my mind reminded me that these moments wouldn’t last forever.
I have always received wise advice from those around me, but the one that confused me this time around was: Go by what a guy does to & for you, not by his words!!! Normally, this would mean that I should focus on if his words and actions were a match; however, this backfired in my face. This time, I should have just gone with exactly his words and nothing more. It was an occasion where I wouldn’t have misunderstood his word choices or mistaken them to mean something else. For an outsider, they were crystal clear; even though the actions made me feel “mushy” on the inside, I would later find out that his words and their meanings would do the complete opposite. WAIT. Was this the guy that I constantly talked about? Someone that I had shared my hopes and dreams with? Invited him to family functions and events? Attended two of his company Christmas parties with him? Met plenty of his surrounding family and friends? Shared drinks out of the same glass and food off of the same utensil? Leaned on each other through difficult times? Allowed him to play in my hair, all while renaming it as “curly fries”? To answer my questions, YES this was the SAME guy… RESUME. Like any other moment that made an impact on my life, I have replayed its entirety in my mind, wondering if I could have predicted it. For the most part, my mind knew how it would play out 16 months ago, but my foolish heart continued with the illusion. While sitting at the gas station, getting ready to pump gas, I received the final “blow to the chest”…it was the phone call that resulted in this book chapter/blog post. For the second time in life, I witnessed my own “out of body” phenomenon. I watched my entire being go into shock, unable to grasp his words. He had found what he dreamed of and was leaving to pursue her; nonetheless, he was what (or so I thought) I dreamed of, so he couldn’t leave ,right? WRONG! He could and HE DID! Those next few hours after the shock wore off became key factors in how well I “masked” the emotions. Once again, I didn’t face reality; I threw myself into my work, personal projects, and life, hoping to forget. The funny thing is when time seems to stand still for you, whatever the situation, you NEVER forget the feeling.
I have been proud of myself over the past 2 months; I have begun to dissect where I went wrong with the friendship. I decided long ago to never place blame on anyone in a friendship/relationship; however, I try to figure out what I did (if anything) to play a part in the wrecking of the ‘ship. I’ve turned my focus back on the things that are most important in my life: God, Family, Friends, and mostly Myself. I look at those around me and I get excited for all that are entering marriages, producing babies, finding real love, or simply getting ‘Carrie’d away… WAIT. So, here’s the thing with being ‘Carrie’d’ away; my Boo/LS put me on to “Sex and the City”. I watched, like so many others, how Carrie Bradshaw went through loops and turns with mr. Big & the emotional rollercoaster of dating. She finally got the man, mr. Big, and the fairy tale ending. Well, I have a LC Sister/Friend/Classmate who found her “mr. Big” and I get super geeked when I see her mention their relationship. Just like mr. Big, he doesn’t seem flashy. He loves & adores his “Carrie”(trust me, it’s written on her face J). Their relationship, like many others, helps me to really believe in love all over again. I’ve never really told her but I admire her for taking a risk at love and going against what others might think. No, I’m not talking in a negative way; her relationship with her “mr. Big” happens to be a LDR. It seems like they push past society’s comments and standards and make the world their own. For that kind of love, commitment, and dedication, I salute them….Now, if I could just meet my Dwayne Wayne, Lucky, or even Darius….BLACK LOVE. RESUME. I will admit, this experience seems like déjà vu but I know that it will somehow strengthen me. He has now become a distant memory (who am I kidding…it’s still less than 3 months, so it’s fresh. Distant memory my butt!!! UGH! ) and moving past this could prevent a challenge, but guess what? I’m most definitely up for this challenge. To grow from this, I have to remind myself of these keys things:
- 1. Everyone isn’t for everybody. There will be times when all things align in a friendship and things just don’t work out. Life goes on and you learn to accept things as they are.
- 2. Learn to use the term “best friend” in the right context. The level of “best friends” between males and females are slightly different. I have many girlfriends that I consider my “sisters” or “best friends”. My list for male best friends used to consist of 5 or so and now the list has been dropped to 1, my brother G. I realized that I didn’t pick the right type of male best friends, or I might have used that term too loosely. From now on, I will say I have male friends, but G will be the only one that has “best” in the front…until I am sent my mate, of course! ;)
- 3. Turn your anger, hurt, and/or pain into something else. I’ve decided to channel mine into a healthy lifestyle and writing. I’m able to release the negative thoughts, while gaining a positive outlook on life. I want to become more devoted to my girl’s group, the g.i.r.l.s @ the Rock, and my personal book project. I want to grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I want to become a better person, without regretting any mistakes or flaws. I might have a broken friendship with him, but I won’t be broken because of it.
- 4. Take it one day at a time. I know you hear that a lot, but it has real value to it. I have never seen anything heal over night, so don’t expect something like this too. God will heal all wounds, internal and external, so rest in His hands. Each day will become a new experience, something that we can all look forward to.
- 5. Never lose sight of who you are during this process. Learn from everything and move forward. You aren’t a horrible person because things didn’t work out. You just have to readjust and regroup for the future.
So, there you have it…The end of my friendship with him! You never go into a friendship with the hopes that things will end. You try to have a clear mind about the nature of that relationship, always making room for growth. The dilemma can sometimes be that we end up growing faster than the development of the friendship. I’ve heard someone say that sometimes you won’t take some friends into the next cycle of life (20s to 30s, 30s to 40s, etc...you get the picture); I guess he was one of them. I wish him nothing but the best in life. I always say that when God removes a guy from your life, He is doing one of two things; He’s either telling you it isn’t time or showing you what you DON’T’ need.
this creole guillory will allow God to become my Ultimate Matchmaker….I obviously suck at it! UGH!!!