Friday, March 7, 2014

How I'm BREAKING these Marriage VOWS before I say THEM.....

Over the generations, many best friends have found the courage to support each other and stand together during the test of times.  As kids, you agree to marriage if you each haven’t found a love by 18.  Little do you know, life won’t always go as you planned.  See, when I was in college, I strongly remember saying that I would be: 1) Married by 25; 2) Have children by 30; 3) Become majorly successful by 35….guess what?????  Number 1 & 2 haven’t happened yet (well, I have been proposed to twice by the same guy…and you see how that turned out.), but I am very much on my way for Number 3 (Success for me is now measured by the God I serve, the Family I have, and the Friends I keep…).  Okay, back to the story…so, my good friend, Mr. Law School, and I discussed our dating options back in the late part of 2012 and we concluded that we didn’t have much luck in that department separately.  It wasn’t a secret that we both wanted to find fulfilling relationships, ones that would stand against the realistic statistics of marriage.  I can’t speak for him, but I want something that is built to last….sure, there will be moments that it might seem that it will give out on me, but I want something that will never stop fighting until the end.  So, one night while I was venturing out to the mall, I received a phone call from Mr. Law School.  He was telling me about one of his current situations with a woman and it didn’t sound “everlasting”  WAIT. I’ve always told him that he dates women that are TOO DANG young for him.  Here is what they ALMOST ALWAYS end up pursuing in life: an LPN license.  Now, don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with that profession/field, but how is it that ALL of the chicks he’s dated have ALL the SAME goals…..Doesn’t that seem crazy?  We talked about that each time, and every new relationship had that similar factor.  After a while, I could only chuckle inside. RESUME.   Somehow, the subject of marriage comes up and we decide that if neither of us is married by 35, we will make that commitment to each other.  The agreement was we would check in when we were 30, date at 33, engagement at 34, and married at 35.  Sounds like a great plan, right?  To most, it seems like the ideal situation….he talked about being a lawyer and I would be a writer, so our professional lives would be set (We are both pursuing those goals). We had once dated WAY BACK in the day and seemed to always remain friends, so our love life history was set.  However, I was starting to gain perspective that history will NEVER become present; it will always REMAIN HISTORY! 

{Fast Forward to 2014}

For some odd reason in January & February, March 2014 would appear to be a HORRIBLE month for me (Don’t ask….too much to even try to catch you up).   I hadn’t talked to Mr. Law School in a while due to our busy schedules.   Well, as God would have it, it was Mr. Law School’s birthday month and I didn’t want to miss out and not send wishes to him.  Through text messages, I sent my love and he informed me that he would be coming home at the end of the month.  I won’t lie, I was a bit excited to see him, but I didn’t put any expectations in there.  Before the conversation could really jump off, it took a turn LEFT

Him: You know something? I learned a lot in law school and that deal we had, it can be enforced in court as valid
Me: Wait…what deal? * Of course I know, but I was shocked he remembered*
Him: You forgot….and on my birthday, nonetheless.  I should make you conform to the terms set.
Me: Naw, I didn’t forget…just didn’t think you remembered that discussion
Him: Mrs. Law School
Me: I’m not your type, remember….
Him: No, just not my perfect girl….doesn’t mean you aren’t my type
Me: That’s my point…I want to be someone’s perfect girl. At least HIS perfect girl

It was at that very moment that I realized that this arrangement would never work for me…not because I wouldn’t be happy to invest my life with someone that I’ve known for many years OR capture memories with my heart.  Simply put, it wouldn’t work because I’m not his perfect girl.  Many great relationships are based off solid things, such as the foundation, chemistry, trust, love, and a few other things.  If you are lacking in any of those areas, the relationship has the chance to be tarnished, damaged, or broken apart.  During that conversation, I never doubted Mr. Law School’s loyalty to our contract; however, the grounds on which it was set were wrong from the start.  You can’t grow to love someone in a relationship. WAIT. Okay, you can grow to love someone, but those tend to sometimes have an underlying resentment nested somewhere.  I don’t want to grow to love my future husband…I want to be able to express my love for him daily, without it being counterfeit.  I would love for my feelings to be “written all over my face”, so “I won’t have to say a word”(Thanks Rude Boyz & Gerald Levert).  Arranged marriages aren’t for everyone…and it surely isn’t for ME! RESUME.  We ended the text by entertaining some meeting while he’s in town and I am hopeful that we will see each other.  It will be at that time that I tell him we should 86 the ideal of marriage between us and I’ll encourage him to find his “perfect” girl.  Love is a grand thing and I think we should all pursue our definition of it.  One thing’s for sure…I’m looking forward to actual meeting his perfect girl.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t have a profession in nursing J

Lessons Learned from Mr. Law School
1.       NEVER agree to an arranged marriage of ANY kind if you are a hopeless & helpless romantic.  Trust me, it does nothing for your emotional state and it could save you a trip to your local therapist.
2.       Don’t RUSH what is bound to happen in your life.  Love is like coffee…it needs time to BREW.  Weak coffee is either brewed too long or not enough.  A great cup of coffee is brewed in an exact amount and sometimes uses other substances to sweeten the taste.
3.       FOCUS on the things around you.  You could be missing out on blessings, simply because you are missing the bigger picture.

4.       Continue to LOVE who you were (Past), who you are (Present), and who you are becoming (Future).  Those three different stages might intermingle at some point, but always know the difference.  Learning to appreciate each stage will be appreciation well within itself.

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